Not So Funny After All

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/12/11/lawyer.missing.ap/index.html

I was a little late hearing about the abduction turned hoax of Karyn McConnell Hancock. When my friend called to ask if I heard about it, we shared several laughs as we imagined what the "real" story was. Boy did we clown! Later when I read the story on-line and saw the file photos of this sister and her family, the photo of her looking worn down, and the anguish in the face of her father, suddenly the situation wasn't so funny anymore.

I don't know the Hancock family, never heard of them before this week. I am sure they are the salt of the earth, and have no desire to suggest otherwise. Without knowing Sister Karyn personally, I feel quite certain there is much I do know about her.

I know the weariness in that face with the dark, sunken eyes. I know the signs of exhaustion having visited them many times in the mirror. I know how hard it is to work everyday in a field where folks would like to disregard you, your hard work, and all the letters behind your name. I can only imagine how much more daunting it becomes when you must come home and care for a husband and young child - while pregnant.

I am single. Single as in unmarried. Single and free. I have not always embraced my singleness as I do today. I spent many years longing for a happy family of my own. A family much like the one in the Hancock family portrait. I spent many years using such a vision as the standard to which I measured my self-worth.

So many women live for the opportunity to say my husband, and to tell you just how richly the Lord has blessed them with a mate. You have no doubt heard testimonies of sisters who stayed on their knees praying for a mate, until one glorious day a man made them his wife. Perhaps, like me, you have heard sermons where you have been encouraged to remain faithful and steadfast, and you too may someday be blessed with a husband. Being "chosen" by a man is such a prize many smart sisters take great pains to differentiate the titles Ms. and Mrs., and will seriously set your ass straight if you forget their 'r'. I've seen some very sharp, accomplished sisters damn near break their necks rushing to trade the surname they have carried for damn near forty or more years, for that of their new husband. They do so as if distancing themselves from the woman who bought that house alone, raised those kids alone, earned those degrees alone, started that business alone, and lived a damn good life alone, is the most natural thing in the world.

There are so many ways I have been blessed in this life. I consider having devoted friends to be among my greatest blessings. One of the defining moments in my life has been a conversation with a dear friend who has been married close to twenty years - more than half our lives. While visiting with her family and solemnly reflecting on the empty home I would soon be returning to, she told me my life was to be envied and that she would gladly trade places.

I began to really listen to the sisters honest enough to share the "real deal" on love and marriage. From my grandmother to mother to countless friends, the message was the same - you often give up more than you gain. I had to read through the lines with some, while others made it unabashedly clear; marriage could be a whole bunch of bullshit. Even the better half of the better or worse was not always what it was cracked up to be. Liberation is a constant theme in my life and truly hearing this set me free.

In his statement to the media Bishop Hancock, Karyn's husband, stated his wife had been dealing with psychological issues for sometime and attempted to resolve them without professional intervention. Her plead to her husband in the call she made when informing him she had been abducted was to make certain her son remembered her. She thought she was going to die. We are well aware now that there were no abductors, but the sister felt she was dying. I suspect she had felt that way for quite a while.

My reasons for writing this post are three-fold. Primarily because I am so very thankful this sister did not die at the hands of an abductor or her own. I am sincerely praying for she and her family as they continue to deal with this personal crisis in a very public forum.

Secondly, I write to contribute to the debunking of the myth of the black superwoman. It's bullshit, let it go y'all. Please stop pretending to believe only white women have nervous breakdowns. Remember the time(s) your mind was racing, you couldn't focus, didn't know what your next move would be, couldn't see your way out of the storm, and the burden of life was becoming unbearable? Remember that shit? I know damn well you do! You were likely teetering on the verge of a breakdown, and but for the grace of God your mind could have snapped. Just that simple. In the blink of an eye. There are no dramatics like you see in an academy award winning movie. One of our first priorities must be to preserve our mental health, knowing when it is in danger is paramount.

Finally, I write this post not to bash marriage, but to instead encourage us to critically examine how we determine our self-worth. I believe in marriage, truly I do. My great grandparents were married for over fifty years. My parents have been married forty two years. Some of my best friends are married. Though I believe in the value of the institution of marriage, I would not trade my single life for any options I'm currently aware of. I am well aware marriage can be a blessing, but no more so than being single. Your blessing is living a happy, balanced life. The most idyllic marriage is tough at times. If you have no one to confirm that for you just look into the eyes of your married sisters. If nothing else remember Karyn McConnell Hancock, her story is not that unique.